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Got that?”“Matte. Ja, I have it.”“That’s your safeword. Don’t forget it.” Safeword. I have heard about that being used for S&M activities. But I have never had anyone actually give me one. I swallow nervously. He is not kidding about taking this seriously. By now, I am staring at his green-gloved hands and having misgivings about all of this. His claws –He sees the look on my face. “I know what you’re afraid of. Trust me. It ain’t gonna happen.”Trust him? That is what it all comes down to in the end, nicht wahr? And can I do that? All too often, I have seen him lose control, seen the damage those scalpel-sharp adamantium blades can do, seen the amount of blood dripping off of them when he was finished doing it. I hear his voice in my mind. “I’m the best there is at what I do. But what I do best isn’t very nice.” With those few words, my lover has often stated the basic conflict that haunts his tortured soul, and our sometimes-tortured relationship, and I am not. The liquor cabinet called to me. I could hear Mr. John Daniels calling to me. You might know him as Jack, but when you've been involved with the man as long as I have, he prefers the more formal John. Ah, sweet dark liquid of life. He has the cure for my ills.No, he doesn't. All he will make me do is get maudilin and depressed. I'll rage against the storm, scream at the walls and have huge conversations with people that aren't even in the room. It's interesting, don't you think, that when you're having a fight with someone that's not there, imagining their responses to your responses...you always win those fights.I shake my head and try to refocus my attention on something I'm unfamiler with. My feelings.What, exactly, are my feelings? I love her. I know that. I love her very...much. I know that, too. Another thing I know is that I am completely terrified of making love with Lisa.Ah. The crux.You see, in order to have a fully functioning adult relationship, you have to have sex. I.
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